5 Months

It’s been 5 months (on the 22nd) since my Nana passed away & it still hurts in every single way imaginable. It still doesn’t feel 100% real. It does, but it doesn’t at the same time. Her birthday was this past Sunday – Father’s Day (the 19th). We spent the day with my Papa & had dinner + sundaes. The whole family was gathered around him to fill him with joy. From what he’s shown, he’s been doing pretty good. It was really hard going through the first birthday without her here, but I know she is in a much better place & that she’s looking down at all of us. This was her favorite song:

And I wrote this open letter to her on her birthday:

Happy birthday, Nana

It’s been almost 5 months. I can still remember that big smile you gave me while you were in ICU that second day, and how mom & Aunt Rhonda were laughing saying how if you knew that I was seeing you with your teeth out that you would be horrified. I still remember the feeling of you squeezing my hand real hard, whenever it felt like I was going to let go you’d squeeze harder. How when I walked out of the hospital that day I felt like my heart was aching. I didn’t want you to go. Papa was getting his hopes up that next Tuesday when the family meeting happened. You were very alert that day and even told him you loved him, and you shared a kiss with him. I wasn’t there, but mom filled me in. The next day you went into hospice care. They took you off all the IVs, but they kept you on painkillers so you’d be comfortable. After that Tuesday, you would just lie there still. But I know you heard everything; they say hearing is the last thing to go. You passed away peacefully on the morning of January 22. It was so hard to be in school when I got the news but I had a very caring teacher who hugged me & really helped me. The funeral people said when they saw your funeral procession, it was the biggest they’d seen one that wasn’t A) a child, B) someone in the military, or C) a police officer/firefighter. So many people were there. That’s not how I want to remember you, though. I want to remember you when I was little, when we would: watch Disney movies & The Sound of Music in the blue room, fill out those preschool learning books, when you would sing ‘You Are My Sunshine’ to me. Before your hallucinations. Before you got bad. That’s what I’ll hold on to. And don’t worry, we’re taking care of Papa. We are all getting together today to be there for him since it’s both your birthday & Father’s Day. We’re eating KFC & ice cream sundaes. Mass is being held in your name. You are loved. I miss you so much and I hope you are having a big party up there in Heaven because I hear you were big on parties (-:

I will leave with this beautiful poem…

happy-birthday-in-heaven_14195673361-3017

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