There’s officially less than a week left of my first full semester of college.
This is super crazy to me and even though I’ve dealt with the difficulties of college level classes while in high school, it’s a whole new ball park when you’re on your own for the first time and you’re meeting so many new people. It’s hard to hold yourself accountable sometimes and it’s more relaxed in the sense that you don’t get reminded of homework, you don’t meet everyday for class, you can choose to show up or not, you don’t HAVE to participate, you have a lot of free time that you can choose whether to do homework or not, etc. etc. etc…
It’s been a huge struggle for me, I’ll admit. I don’t have the best time management skills and I procrastinate to the point where I’m not doing my best on assignments…all of this while I have SUPER high expectations of myself. I like to have really good grades and I expect to get good grades, so when my grades fall below what I’m really wanting, I get frustrated and upset with myself frequently. I get really anxious and nervous once I have to start relying on final papers or final exams to boost my grade up closer to where I originally wanted it. The thing is, my grades aren’t even that awful. They’re above average, even. Yet I always tell myself “it could have been better if you did _______.”
On top of this worry about my grades, I’ve been struggling a lot with my faith while here at Grace. Since it’s a Christian school, I’m surrounded by people who are on the same walk with Christ, yet they all seem “put together” and know what they are doing, and they all seem to have a connection with God that I just don’t feel, and they read their Bibles daily and pray and do devotionals. I don’t do that. I didn’t grow up in a religious home, so I didn’t really have that background or habit started. I didn’t go to church either, so when I hear everyone talk about their “home church” I wonder how good it feels to have one, and to even be a part of one because I still don’t attend church regularly here at college. I should. I should be doing a lot of things…but this makes me think of the quote from Kobi Yamada, “She turned her can’ts into cans and her dreams into plans.” I just need to point that energy somewhere and do something with it.
Another thing that wasn’t what I expected was the lack of friendships I would make upon coming to college…everyone puts this huge emphasis on meeting your friends for life, soulmate, etc. and I haven’t really been meeting anyone or making a connection (besides a few upperclassmen on my hall…but that’s it) with anyone and it really frustrates me, bums me out, and feeds into my depression. Since I don’t have a roommate, and since I’m an introvert, I have made absolutely no friends on my own outside of my res hall. Which is really sad. I don’t think people realize how sad I get sometimes because I’m literally in my room alone all day every day except for the occasions where I’m with my friend from high school (that also goes here). I don’t know. I really want to meet new people, but I literally cannot make friends on my own because I. Don’t. Talk. To. People. I. Don’t. Know. It just causes so much anxiety for me and I’m definitely not a talkative person either. So I don’t know.
College has been way worse than I expected, but I don’t know. It’s only been a semester. I’m just looking forward to Christmas, rest, non dining hall food, and seeing my family and cats this coming break. It’s definitely needed.