To Get Things Off My Chest

It’s been a long time since I have blogged on this blog. I apologize for that; I tried out a different platform and loved it for a little while due to it’s awesome ability to customize just how I liked it, but I found myself wanting to come back to WordPress so here I am. I love the format the blog posts follow that I just didn’t get with the other platform.

Lots of life has happened lately. It’s really mind boggling how much has happened in the past few months. I don’t know. I find myself talking about sappy stuff when really I want to talk about what is actually weighing on my mind right now. It is hard for me to open up sometimes so bear with me.

Lately I haven’t been spending any time at all with God. I have barely touched my Bible since I returned home from college almost a month ago. I’m not sure why…I think it’s just not having the commitment I want with Him and being home around my family who aren’t religious at all. I haven’t been to church in months. I’m to blame for that one, though- I live across the street from a church that I know I’d like going to. The problem is putting in the effort. I’ve noticed that that is a trend for me- not putting the effort in.

I’m in a really low spot right now. I keep comparing myself to literally everyone for literally everything: looks, aesthetics, clothing, style, weight, social media presence, photography, school, grades, relationships…you name it, I’m comparing. It’s a fucked up thing. I find myself going down rabbit holes feeling sorry for myself. I get angry, I get upset, I get offended. I make everything personal. My best friend has actually been annoying the heck out of me lately for no other reason than for me being jealous of her. What?????? Seriously, Sarah, get over it! I wish it were that easy. I don’t really know how to stop the mind processes that make me compare myself to other people, it’s been happening for as long as I can remember. I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I remember. I have torn literally 60+ pages out of my bullet journal this year because it didn’t look good (according to the five hundredth YouTube video I just watched). I am sick and tired of it consuming me. I’ve considered taking social media breaks to help, but I always want to share to other people. I want to stay relevant. I’m afraid if I stop posting, people will forget about me. I don’t have very many friends and it makes me sad. I just don’t form deep connections. I don’t know. This is starting to become rambling nonsense. I am sorry for that.

I am just so frustrated with myself and I want to change so bad but I don’t know how or where to start because it’s so deeply rooted in me. Ugh. Please keep me in your thoughts if you even make it this far. I’d deeply appreciate it.

Until next time,

S.L.

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