I will be the first to admit that my relationship to God has been nearly nonexistent. It just has and I have been struggling with it for almost 2 years now.
It’s been 2 years since I’ve truly started my ‘walk’ as they call it. My best friend at the time and my ex boyfriend, mostly his mother, helped me with it. My family has never been one to talk much about religion, so I wanted some support through that. However, even with their help, I am still finding it to be so hard to actually turn to God in both the good times and the bad. I constantly find myself more angry at Him than I am grateful.
That’s the problem. I have so much anger and resentment towards so many people. I hold on to grudges, I seek revenge, I get so worked up instead of listening and forgiving and understanding. I explode, I back talk, I swear, I gossip, I wallow, etc. I will admit, I will constantly think about it but I won’t actually do anything about it. Is it because it requires an effort? Is it because it’s not my ‘normal’? Is it the way I was raised? Is it just because I don’t know how to? Am I doing something wrong here? I have so many questions but nobody can answer these. These are the questions I am constantly asking myself and of others, but guess who I don’t turn to? That’s right. The One who should matter most. I’ve looked up so many Bible verses to help me at least a little bit but I’m not actually asking He Himself. I don’t go to church, I’m not praying to Him, I’m not confessing my sins to Him, I’m not praising Him, I’m not even loving Him as I should. Why should I deserve His help if I am not seeking it out on my own? Why do I deserve His help if I’m sitting around waiting for Him to make a move? It doesn’t work that way. I have realized this, but I can’t get there. Is there something wrong with me?
One of my friends asked me what a flaw of mine was so she could give me a Bible verse to prove it wrong or to help with it. I responded “anger and resentment” because lately that’s what I’ve been struggling with most.
“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. -Ephesians 4:26-27
I also find myself turning to Psalm 46 for a lot of my problems. I look at it when I feel like God is far away or if I just need some courage at the time. It’s one of my favorites.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea. -Psalm 46:1-2
I’m trying, and I’ll try harder in the coming future.