5 Days Until My World Turns Upside Down

That’s right, 5 days from now I will be moving into my college dorm for my freshmen year. It is exciting, nerve-wracking, and overall completely terrifying. It is such a huge step in my life and I am kind of ready for it? But kind of not at the same time. It is at this moment where I have to rely on all of the life skills my parents taught me, where I have to lean on God more than ever, and where I just have to trust in Him and myself that I am going to be okay. It has been a long road coming, but I cannot believe it’s getting down to the end where my mom hands off the baton and sets me free. I keep trying to tell myself “hey, it’s okay” and to hone in the anxiety, I have to keep telling myself that she will miss me but it’s okay if we don’t talk 24/7. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m an adult now and there’s responsibility. I am not a kid anymore. It is so scary. This post is short, but trust me; my list of worries is a mile long. I can’t wait to see how my dorm room turns out though! πŸ™‚

A Look Back Through High School

As the school year ends and I get ready to graduateΒ in 3 days, I just wanted to reflect back on my time at EAU and how much it has changed my life.

I cannot imagine not going to EAU after all these years, it was the best decision I have ever made and I was the young age of 13 at the time. The faculty and students are amazing and make everyone feel welcome and a part of the EAU “family”. It was not like any other high school that I’ve seen. Our classes develop such a tight bond by the end of senior year because we don’t gain any new students throughout the years.

I have grown so much in my time at EAU and I am so appreciative of the teachers who helped that happen. Lots of encouragement and time spent to help better my skills. I will miss my teachers soooo much, but I feel so ready for college after going to EAU and earning my Associate’s degree already.

I will definitely miss all of the people, good memories, and comfort of my high school.

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Here’s to the last 4 years of high school and to what awaits in the future!

 

Is spring finally here?

We’ve had such weird weather in Indiana lately. Yesterday it was in the mid 70’s, while a week ago we were experiencing a snow storm…

What?

That is exactly how our weather has been all winter. In fact, it was in the 60’s for a whole WEEK in February, then the temps dropped to the 20’s and 30’s again. Although this time I’m hoping the nice, warm weather is here to stay. With the spring equinox passed already, I’m hoping the cold weather subsides for now. I feel so much happier when the weather is warm.

For right now the weather forecast looks promising, with highs in the 50’s and 60’s for the next 9 days. I’ll hold onto the hope that it stays that way!

Who knew it’d be so hard to turn to God?

I will be the first to admit that my relationship to God has been nearly nonexistent. It just has and I have been struggling with it for almost 2 years now.

It’s been 2 years since I’ve truly started my ‘walk’ as they call it. My best friend at the time and my ex boyfriend, mostly his mother, helped me with it. My family has never been one to talk much about religion, so I wanted some support through that. However, even with their help, I am still finding it to be so hard to actually turn to God in both the good times and the bad. I constantly find myself more angry at Him than I am grateful.

That’s the problem. I have so much anger and resentment towards so many people. I hold on to grudges, I seek revenge, I get so worked up instead of listening and forgiving and understanding. I explode, I back talk, I swear, I gossip, I wallow, etc. I will admit, I will constantly think about it but I won’t actually do anything about it. Is it because it requires an effort? Is it because it’s not my ‘normal’? Is it the way I was raised? Is it just because I don’t know how to? Am I doing something wrong here? I have so many questions but nobody can answer these. These are the questions I am constantly asking myself and of others, but guess who I don’t turn to? That’s right. The One who should matter most. I’ve looked up so many Bible verses to help me at least a little bit but I’m not actually asking He Himself. I don’t go to church, I’m not praying to Him, I’m not confessing my sins to Him, I’m not praising Him, I’m not even loving Him as I should. Why should I deserve His help if I am not seeking it out on my own? Why do I deserve His help if I’m sitting around waiting for Him to make a move? It doesn’t work that way. I have realized this, but I can’t get there. Is there something wrong with me?

One of my friends asked me what a flaw of mine was so she could give me a Bible verse to prove it wrong or to help with it. I responded “anger and resentment” because lately that’s what I’ve been struggling with most.

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. -Ephesians 4:26-27

I also find myself turning to Psalm 46 for a lot of my problems. I look at it when I feel like God is far away or if I just need some courage at the time. It’s one of my favorites.

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God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea. -Psalm 46:1-2

I’m trying, and I’ll try harder in the coming future.

 

 

Late Night Thoughts

It is 12:04 AM.

I am sitting here in my family room and I am tired.

Not ordinary “yawn” tired.

I am tired of my feelings.

I am tired of my anxiety.

I am tired of being sad.

Not only am I tired of being sad, I am exhausted.

I hate myself for staying up so late when I tell myself “earlier to bed tomorrow”.

I hate myself for not holding myself to higher standards.

I hate myself for over-eating.

I hate myself for not being who I want to be…

And now, it is 12:07 AM, and my paranoia strikes.

What was that sound? Is there someone at the window? Am I going to die?

My heart starts racing, my typing gets faster, more frantic.

I start to get nervous and my anxiety kicks in.

But wait, the doors are all locked.

This is just another night.

I better check, just in case.

I get up, I check the door, barely opening the curtain, careful in case there is a face peering back in at me.

Locked.

I keep telling myself “it’s only your imagination”.

I think of that Dateline episode.

The one where a killer went to a complete stranger’s house and killed their whole family.

I have been scarred ever since.

Once he goes to bed, the demons come out and start haunting me.

Torturing me.

Taunting me.

Scaring me.

12:10 AM. My heart rate slows.

I suddenly need to get up. I slowly walk through the house, phone on highest brightness, to do whatever I need to do.

I walk into the bathroom and look into the mirror.

I see the devil staring back at me, critiquing every little detail.

I stare myself straight in the eyes.

I look pale, I look fear stricken, I look disappointed.

Disappointed in myself.

Disappointed that I’ve let myself get this far.

What is wrong with me?

I look back. 12:16 AM.

I am finally calm enough to go to bed.

As long as I have my stuffed bear tightly under my arm and 6 layers of blankets on top of me and pulled to my nose, I feel safe.

Hopefully the fear doesn’t eat me alive.